I’m Disappointed in You
His book had transformed my life.
As a young man searching for answers, his work came along at the right time and I found what I was looking for.
So when I ran into him outside a conference he was speaking at, it was only natural that I couldn’t wait to shake his hand and thank him for what his work meant to me.
I walked up to him with a grateful smile, expecting that he would be eager to hear the story of how his book meant so much to me.
Instead, he grunted a careless grunt and moved on, apparently on his way to meet with someone more important than I.
To say I was disappointed would be an understatement.
The encounter didn’t change how his work had impacted me, but it did change my opinion of him.
If you’ve lived on this planet for even a short time, you’ve been deeply disappointed with someone you greatly respected.
It may have been someone close to you, like a parent, sibling or friend.
Or perhaps, like me, it was one of your heroes.
Disappointment hurts no matter what.
I used to take it personally when someone I valued disappointed me. I believed that perhaps I wasn’t worthy of their time and attention.
However, as I received more recognition for my own work, something interesting happened to me.
Life got hectic. The demands became greater. The people wanting to shake my hand and share their stories with me occurred more often. And their faces and stories began to blend together.
Now don’t get me wrong. I LOVE meeting people and really enjoy hearing the stories of those whose lives I have somehow managed to touch. Whether a talk they heard me deliver, an podcast interview I appeared on, a blog entry I wrote or something out of one of my books, it’s always rewarding to hear feedback that what I do mattered to someone.
But the accolades can begin to blur together as well.
And I guarantee that there have been times that someone has approached me to thank me for something that I said or wrote, only to be greeted with an apparent response of indifference.
And I disappointed them.
Oh, it’s not speculation. It’s happened. I know because people have told me.
One guy (who is now a friend) told me that when he met me many years ago he felt like I didn’t give him the time of day. It wasn’t until years later when we shared a stage and he saw my heart that he came to me to share how he had seen me as someone aloof and uncaring, perhaps thinking that I was better than him.
I told him that I was so sorry. It was never my intent to treat anyone in a way that would make them feel unimportant or not valued.
Was it possible that I was tired? Had I just given all I had on stage and exhaustion had set in? Was I just oblivious to him being there? Or was I actually being a jerk at that moment?
It could have been any of the above, because I’m very human.
Just as I had expectations of how the author whose worked changed my life would respond to me, there are others who place expectations on me.
And while it’s never my goal to let anyone down, I recognize that I probably do it on a regular basis.
I guess that’s what you get for being human.
And it’s one reason that I don’t like to put anyone on a pedestal.
I really don’t care how famous you are, how much money you make or how much power you wield.
We are all just human beings with hopes, dreams, fears, successes and losses. We are all born into this world and we all die. No one is greater than another.
I’m far more concerned with the character of an individual than the size of their bank account, their societal status or how famous they may be.
When people come up to me and tell me how much they appreciate me or my work, I usually thank them and attempt to engage in a dialogue that says “you matter more than I do.” Sometimes I get it right. Sometimes I don’t.
While I do enjoy the spotlight, I also still feel some discomfort when someone thinks more highly of me than they should. I let them know that we are all the same in our value and I have no desire to be seen as anything more than an incredibly grateful and blessed guy who gets to do what he loves and sometimes gets it right.
Because that’s the truth.
Yes, others have disappointed me. You may have been one of them.
But I’m sure I’ve disappointed many as well. And for that, I’m sorry. I know I didn’t mean to.
We all require a lot of grace and forgiveness when it comes to living this life.
[tbpquotable]Let’s remember to see others, no matter who, as beautifully flawed, wonderfully imperfect and fully human.[/tbpquotable]
I believe doing so will protect us from setting expectations that can become self-fulfilling prophecies.
And next time we meet, I hope I don’t disappoint you.
Joel, I’m a follower and a periodic customer. I wrote you when the Google help thing collapsed. I bought it through you. (and so did a friend on my recommendation). And neither of us has much dinero.I expected it to do well as you did. When it died, I wrote and wondered whether you might, not return our money for the product, but maybe offer something of equal value from your stockpile. I never got a response. Maybe it got lost. I didn’t even occur to me that you would not respond. I was disappointed but also for my friend b/c I told her to buy because it was you. So Google looked bad and you looked bad and so did I. It’s not the end of the world but it isn’t Joel Comm either.
Hey Frank, sorry I didn’t see this from you. Stuff does get lost from time to time.
I had much invested in Google Helpouts as well, so you aren’t the only one who lost out. We all took a risk with it, just like any other business model. I offer plenty of free content and books to my readers on a regular basis, so I hope you get an opportunity to enjoy them. The latest is a book at http://www.SocialPoetryBook.com. 🙂
Dear Joel, welcome to the imperfect, perfect world. I learned many things true the years, but the most important one is, that there always going to be someone who is disappointed or not happy and as you turn around, there is always someone who is forgiving, positive and wonderful, that’s why life is so amazing you never know what or who the cat is going to drag out of the box. I am so excited to learn and I know I cannot learn from my perfection but everything I learn is true my imperfections.
This is so spot-on. We are all human, and we all make mistakes. I can’t tell you how many times I want to call someone back to say I’m sorry, I hope you understand, it’s not you it’s my schedule, I’ll make it up to you … but of course we can’t do that either. So the answer is to be kind, to have a good & loving exit explanation for those times, and forgive ourselves for just being human and tightly scheduled. Fortunately, I learned to forgive others long ago. We are always harder on ourselves.
I’m sure this situation has occurred tens of millions of times. Meeting someone we respect and then not getting the time of day.** Let me share another story that has a different ending. A couple years ago I was attending Steve Olsher’s INTERNET PHOPHETS LIVE in Chicago. I was a newbie in the internet space and was about to launch my podcast at SuccessfulLivesUnlimited.com. The speaker that morning was a New York Times best-selling author and was very well known in the internet marketing space. His talk was enlightening and his heart seemed in the right space. I figured – “Why not ask him to do an interview? The worst that could happen would he would ignore me.” During lunch break I spotted this “guru” sitting by himself checking some info on his smart phone. I walked up to him, introduced myself, laid out my invitation to be a guest on my podcast and took a deep breath as I waiting for his response. What I got surprised me. He smiled, introduced himself and politely said that he would be honored to be interviewed on my podcast. I exhaled, smiled back and we exchanged our contact information. The experience was as pleasant as could be.
OBTW- This New York Times best-selling author, internet guru’s name… was Joel Comm. 🙂 PS- since then we’ve gotten to know each other and I’m proud to call him friend.
Another thought provoking and valuable post. Thanks Joel! I am happy I grew up and learned the lesson that when I step out the door I am in the public and am on stage and I owe it to the public to perform and be the best person I can be and always be prepared as much as I can to share my talents, give my attention, be kind and cordial and show genuine love to others despite how I may feel at the moment. That’s what champions do. That’s how Christians act. Playing major college basketball for 4 years on a nationally prominent team in a city starved for heroes we got alot of attention around the city and sometimes it got old to me and sometimes I would rather not be bothered with the same questions of “how’s the team going to fair this year”? Or, “are you all going to sign this hotshot recruit”. Or, “why is your coach not playing you”? And I am sure some people knew that I did not want to be bothered, especially signing an autograph at a dinner table. But looking back, those were tremendous opportunities to impact people in the way I wanted to for good by intensely engaging and getting in their boat. Now that I have grown, I still sometimes would rather be left alone, that’s just my personality but I never miss the opportunity to show people genuine love and interest and try to do something or say somethings or share something that can make their lives better as a result of interfacing with me.
When I first met you… you accused me of false advertising…which was cool because my Facebook photo was 20 years old and 100 lbs lighter. You definitely made me feel like I fitted in which was very cool. Keep up the great work
Don’t we all fall in love more with our idea of a person than the person him or herself? Of course!
In the first meeting department, you didn’t disappoint me one bit. In fact I was blessed that you recognized me and showed some delight in connecting in person 🙂
I want to be warm and approachable, but I’m not always successful. I get weird ideas in my head about some people and put off ‘leave me alone’ vibes sometimes. I’m protecting myself in some way – but if at the same time I make someone feel like I dislike them or don’t want to know them, that’s not ok with me. It’s something I’m working on for sure 🙂
Hi Joel, I guess we all (blokes mainly) get to that age – 40/50 when we take stock of our actions and consequences, then realise we ‘might’ have (unknowingly) done some pretty cringeworthy stuff along the way 🙂
I know I’ve had toe-curling memories replayed to me in my head the past decade or so. As you say, we’re all just human. …….. But you do just wonder sometimes whether that term applies to many politicians these days. My God, they’ve got some toe-curling coming their way I reckon ….. OOPS!!
Another very reflective post Joel, Cheers ….. Pete.
Life is sometimes great and sometime not so, but I find that for the most part it is Awesome. When I meet someone like you and you don’t respond to me, I am not lost or disappointed, because that is not who I am.
I know that I am better than that and you just missed your opportunity to meet someone interesting with Lots of life experiences. Your Loss not mine.
I couldn’t help but think of “Stan” by Eminem. It is useful to consider “life after success”. After all, if there was a hard stop we wouldn’t be so keen for it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gOMhN-hfMtY
G’day Joel,
I do not have the kind of profile that you do so my comparison might not be valid but I have worked with children most of my life and lived in the same area all of my life. It is not unusual for local people to come up to me and say: “hello Richard how are you”. Then turn to their child and say: “this is the man that taught you to swim” or “you look after me when I was 6”; this also being a stark reminder of just how long I have been in this world.
It is wonderful to catch up with them all but I know that they all have expectations in my response and sometimes I disappoint them. Like everybody I am not always in the best place to receive the greeting. I find myself disappointed in myself.
I have decided that all I can do is pray for them. I also pray for myself and my response and hope that everything will be worked for good.
Today I pray pray for you.
Richard