Unfriending on Facebook for Fun and Sanity

Byjoel

Facebook can be very frustrating. Early on, I accepted every friend request that came my way. I was being social, right?

Shortly after hitting my 5000 friend limit, my account was suspended. After creating a bit of a hullaballoo (don’t get to use that word very often), my account was re-activated.

Then came pages. Now I had a place to send people who wanted to follow me. The numbers quickly grew.

But my Facebook stream was unmanageable. After all, I was “friends” with 5000 people, many of whom I do not know.

I’ve often wondered what it would be like to have a Facebook stream that was populated only by people I actually know.

I’m not going to wonder for much longer.

I am unfriending thousands of people on Facebook.

You see, having two places to post has led to a bit of confusion for me. If I post on my regular profile I can reach 5000 people who have friended me.

If I post on my fan page, I can reach over 12,000 people.

The problem is this. I have personal things I like to post and I have business things I like to post. How to separate the two?

The answer has become simple, but a bit painful to execute.

My personal page at http://facebook.com/joelcomm/ will become just that… a personal page. It will be reserved for family and friends (defined as people I actually know who I wish to have relationship with). Only friends will be able to see content of this page. And Matt Clark at Tweetpages.com has created a great image to direct others to my fan page.

fb-jc.jpg

My fan page at http://facebook.com/joelcommfan will be used for that which I wish to make public. Easy, right?

fb-jcfan.jpg

Well, perhaps not so easy.

I now have the task of going through all 5000 “friends” and unfriending those who don’t meet the relationship criteria as I have defined it.

fb-unfriend.jpg

Back in November 2009 I unfollowed everyone on Twitter. I found a great bulk tool for making it possible. Unfollowing 70,000 might have taken a long time!

Unfortunately, there is no tool for “bulk” unfriending people on Facebook. And if I used a bulk tool I would also end up wiping out my real friends.

I also can’t assign this task to someone in my office. After all, no one else knows who I wish to keep as friends. It could be disastrous.

So, one click at a time I must unfriend people that I will no longer connect to on my regular page. I imagine this will take me a number of hours. Over the next week you will see my friend count drop dramatically. I am curious to see what the count is once I am done pruning.

I apologize to anyone who may be offended by this move, but I gotta do what I gotta do. I hope to see you on my fan page at http://facebook.com/joelcommfan

Let the unfriending begin!

What are your thoughts on this? How do you separate your personal life from business life on Facebook?

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  3. Great move! I’m thinking of resigning completely from Facebook, as I’ve found i waste too much time on it, simply living precariously through my friends….and I only jump onto facebook when I’m bored. Good luck with your unfriending Joel!

  4. Joel, A very high visibility social media manager in our area decided to delink from people on LinkedIn. No problem there. However, he chose to write a post about it and name everyone he felt was “unworthy” of his connection. I was one of those people he named. I responded by informing most everyone who was named in the post that he had done that. They in turn along with me issued a comment on his page, or personally emailed him very upset that his post implied that some how they were bad connections. In the end, due to outrage by several high profile business connections who requested their name be pulled off his post, he removed all names.
    How you defriend, delink, tweet off your your followers is a sign and reflection of you as well. So be careful who you show or how you go about this process. I think it helps explain how you view your connections and how you connect in the first place.
    BTW this person later issued an invite back to me based on how I responded and justified what I brought to the table for any social media interested business manager.
    Wendy
    xeesm.com/wendysoucie

  5. Thanks for posting this, Joel. I have always held firm to the belief that social media is about value, not numbers. It is about building the relationships that count, not adding people willy nilly.
    Each platform is very good at accomplishing different ends. For instance, Facebook is about family and friends and people I actually know in “real life.” Twitter is about sharing information and creating a brand that allows me to become knowledgable in a certain field (knowledge mobilization, exchange, and translation for my professional profile; and knitting for my personal profile). Linked In is all professioanl all the time and allows me to become connected to like minded and accomplished professionals in my field.
    All that said, social media is fun and rewarding. It is about how we use these tools to connect, share, and converse. It is not about how many follower we have. I’ve discovered the more followers I have the more difficult it is to receive value from the streams and feeds.
    Let me be the first to offer you a pat on the back for resolving to spring clean your Facebook account. Have fun and be vigilant. The pay off is just around the corner.

  6. Hi Joel,
    Having been an affiliate of your products and services for many years (still am) I fully understand so to save you time on your mammoth task … I’ve just un-friended you as I’m assuming just being an affiliate won’t cut it anyway to remain on your friends list? 🙂
    All the best,
    Gary

  8. Joel,
    I have been anticipating your problem and have arrived at a slightly different method although I have been thinking about the personal and business sight options too. I was not sure if Facebook would allow a party to have two accounts.
    What I have been doing is taking a bit of time periodically and reviewing those who want to be my friends. If there are elements in their photos, profile or whatever I make a decision accordingly. I think that this is a great medium for expanding one’s friendship base so stretching the limits with the hope of reaching out is one consideration that I take.
    Some of the people I friend are not really my type or interest and lifestyle but I extend myself with the hope that they will review some of my notes and comments and photos and perhaps find encouragement, redirection for their lives and new hope!
    So it is a challenging scenario for sure and time consuming but hopefully will net a positive payoff. I have nothing close to five thousand friends fortunately but it is an additional burden in an already burdened schedule. It actually becomes a labor of Love!
    Scott

  12. I commend you. At the risk of being ostracized, I’ve been doing some “out of the box”, (maybe off the planet), thinking about social media in general. I think it’s a fad. Actually, most things are fads. Restaurants, games, clubs, music, sports celebrities, clothing, 8 tracks, cassetes, 35mm, almost anything people associate with or relate to. People are fickle, and the latest technology will always attract the majority, who are inflicted with shiny object syndrome, leaving its predecessor in the dust. Also, like the hula hoop, most of the social media interest has been among younger people. The ones with no concept of the consequences of their actions. While some fads last longer than others, they all fade into the past. For those who suffer negative consequences from letting it all hang out, that won’t happen fast enough. Making private thoughts and communications public will be shown by history to have been very damaging to civilization. Which begs the question: What’s going to be next after mobile media? Selective telepathy?

  14. I did the same thing back in January. I first sent everyone a personal email explaining my reasons for “The Great Unfriending” … to give my young teens space to learn social media and interact with their mum online, without having a large audience watching their first tentative online steps.
    Just like you wouldn’t share details of your kids with strangers on a bus, I started to feel the same way with sharing my kids High School experiences with people on Facebook.
    I then quietly pruned my Facebook friends back to people I personally interact with on a regular basis. I found it quite personally challenging – it almost felt like I was firing people.
    And the result? Even with personal emails, the majority of unfriended people chose not to move over to my page. I suspect they missed the psychological connection of being “friends” rather than “likers”.
    My only real challenge since has been that you can’t take part in Facebook groups as a “Page”, only as a person. So of course, when I participate in groups, I end up with friend requests from people that don’t meet my personal interaction criteria.
    At the moment I am dealing with it through emails to all such requests directing them to my page, but it still adds an awkward layer of social complexity.
    So … expect a few clunks along the way (along with interesting psychological responses from yourself and your previous “friends”).

  15. Joel,
    Although your reasons are certainly understandable, I think your approach leaves a lot to be desired.
    So, you need to do a little “pruning” and separate your friends from your “friends.” Fine.
    But, let’s not forget that these “friends” are real people who “friended” you because they respected you and believed they could learn something from you. They also have feelings. I am not sure what “business value” you added by publicly announcing that you were taking a hatchet to your list. For those of us who are just starting out on the entrepreneurial journey, is this an example of how we should treat prospective customers?
    Since the advent of social media is designed to cast a wider net and give us the opportunity to build relationships with people we’d never normally come in contact with, I’m really at a loss as to how this fosters that warm and fuzzy connection.
    Since I’m guessing that you have far fewer friends and family than “fans”, it would seem to me that a smarter (and nicer) approach would have been to move them to a different page instead of letting several thousand people know that they aren’t good enough to be included in your inner circle.
    I am not a “friend”, so thankfully, I will escape the gauntlet.
    Unfortunately, for you though, I won’t ever be a client either.
    I hope this accomplished what you set out to do.
    Robin Taney
    @studio4pr
    http://www.studio4pr.com

  16. Robin,
    I understand where you are coming from. But part of this evolution of learning how to use social media is being willing to take risks and stand apart from the crowd when conventional wisdom fails. I am not afraid of the backlash because enough people will benefit from my public announcement that my goal will be accomplished. No matter what you do, someone will be offended. That’s life.
    However, those who wish to learn from me and interact with me will continue to have that ability via my fan page. I will now get greater benefit from my personal use of Facebook. Win/win.
    Joel

  17. There is no doubt that some of those lists can be rather frustrating – especially when people write nonsensical updates. But just as Twitter can be burdensome with people who treat it as their RSS-feed (and who should have read your book Twitter Power), then Facebook requires real effort to master and keep interesting for all.

  19. Joel, I have always been your follower and protege. You have mentored me a lot and your books and creative thinking are very unique.
    Facebook can be a bit of hell when it comes to friendship. Some are fake and some are real…
    You are taking the right step…
    Henry

  21. Why not create a new Facebook profile for your freinds and family? This way, you have 5000 + 12000 Facebook ways to reach out your message? It’s not uncommon for people to have multiple Twitter accounts (one work, one personal).

  22. Thanks for sharing this. I have “unfriended” a few people #for other reasons#. It is a painful decision–will they hate you forever? Can’t worry about that.
    But the best part of your sharing this is that it answers my dilemma of using my personal page for the public face of my blog and instructional website.

  24. I see too many facebook profiles which are mixed between business and personal activities. I am 100% in support of keeping the two separate. It does create the pain in the ass syndrome of having to switch between profiles and Pages but for the sake of keeping the personal side of your life connected to your real friends, it is worth it.

  25. Joel,
    You may want to consider creating lists for people you know and don’t know. I created a Group List for “Close Friends and Family” and I can just view that feed anytime I want to without having to unfriend everyone or not accept people.
    Then when you post, you can select if it goes out to just your close friends or everyone.
    Adam

  26. Joel, in my “Twitter Tale” I explained how cuttng down the number of people followed to a maximum of 40 completely revolutionized the benefit I got from the huge social network.
    http://www.twitterprofit.com/twittertale.htm
    Surprisingly (and maybe it’s unique to my experience), this hasn’t been a major constraint on Facebook. Probably because one can share more content, or because the stream on my Wall moves slower than my Twitter timeline, or maybe coz folks tweet far more often than they post on FB, I’ve been able to comfortably stay abreast with my Facebook community – even with nearly 3,000 people. (I doubt if another 2,000 will make a big difference – though what happens after that will be an intriguing mystery!)
    As far as separating ‘family/friends’ from ‘business’, I’ve tried many things and they don’t quite work. So on FB, I don’t have any family contacts – only business. If I need to connect with family, I use my wife’s account 🙂
    You’re right on the money about a few things here. Social media is an experiment, and taking risks is part of the game. No matter what you do, someone will be upset or annoyed. Whatever enhances the experience and utility of social networking is a good choice – for you.
    Looking forward to an update soon about how the change affected your Facebook experience. There are no doubt many others like me who are at or near the 5,000 ‘friend’ limit, and will be looking for your guidance on what’s the best step forward. Hope you’ll share that over time, as the story unfolds.
    All success
    Dr.Mani

  29. Hi Joel,
    I keep Facebook pretty close to the chest. In my world, it’s for family and friends…real friends.
    I check the Friends only button when asked who should see my information. It’s like a family reunion that I treasure. And soon it will be that way for you too!
    Have fun on Facebook!

  30. I had befriended many people I did not know personally. Then last year while on vacation, I attempted to get on Facebook (something I reluctantly do). That is when the challenge began.
    I had forgotten my login information and so requested reminders. No problem, said the Facebook login program, just identify a few of your “friends”. I had no clue who was who! Could have been a senior moment you say.
    Could have been, but the truth is I really did not have any idea who my friends were. I figure Facebook was just trying to prepare me for my aging years to come.

  33. Joel,
    Funny acually agree , it actually makes sense especially when you look at some family posting personal stuff and otthers posting sales messages and in some cases just junk.
    I like the idea and will do it and meet you on your fan page.

  35. If you have too many friends, then unfriending a bunch of people would appear to be an efficient way of correcting that problem.
    I suspect an old school equation of business will apply here – one unhappy customer will make more noise than ten happy ones. In other words, one offended person etc etc

  36. I fully understand your reasoning. Don’t think it will help you get more likes on your “fan” page, but totally understand the need for the change. never liked the “fan” pages. Still don’t! 🙂 I make and sell them for people, but don’t have nor use one myself. Don’t want fans – just want some real friends! 😉
    -Mark

  37. I’ve faced this problem (not with the same numbers of course) and chose to open different accounts on FB.
    However, in your case (and I’m pretty sure you’re not alone), I think you might want to ask Facebook (or, alternately, hire someone) to create an app that would transfer people from friend status to fan status with a simple email explaining what is happening and why.

  38. Joel
    I agree with you. Your personal page is your personal page and it should be for people you know. Have fun unfriending people (unfriending is not a word, 🙂 ) Oh by the way, thanks to you I have lost 15 pounds in the past few months on my way to another 15 pounds over the few months. Thanks for being my inspiration.
    Joe

  39. Your first mistake was accepting all friend requests! I, too, receive a lot of requests, including many from people I don’t know but would like to based upon common interests. I created a number of categories (Personal Friends, Family, Colleagues, Fellow Writers, and Fellow Space Enthusiasts), and if I don’t know in which category a person belongs (perhaps they’ve hidden all info), then I simply don’t accept the request. There is always a likelihood that they are either spammers looking for an audience, or they think I am that other Stephen Covey, and accepting their friend request would be misleading.
    In any case, I heartily agree with your approach.

  40. I actually enjoy meeting new friends… people who share my interests. I started getting involved in FB in earnest a little over a year ago… and have been reasonably active, building my group of friends to over 2100… and even in the process of hosting an event that is in the process of going viral (https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=661158742#!/event.php?eid=192368204141179) thanks in part to a script I found and included as part of this event that enables you to invite all your friends with a couple of keystrokes… rather than one by one as Facebook would have you do.
    BTW, I also wrote a FB note on the subject of the script which lets you easily invite ALL your FB friends to ANY event in just a few minutes: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=661158742&sk=notes#!/note.php?note_id=10150273962657926
    This would be a very useful tool for any marketer using Facebook to have.
    I was very picky from the very beginning on who I would befriend on Facebook… and am in no hurry to get to my ‘quota’ of 5,000 (if ever!) I only invite…, or accept the invitations of … those people with whom I feel some sort of significant ‘connection’… be it an interest in raw food… or permaculture… or physical immortality… or UFO’s… spirituality… or natural healing… or organic gardening …or ???. Before I invite someone to be my friend… or accept their invitation… I thoroughly check out as much of their profile as I can. I almost never accept an invitation from someone who has fewer than 100 friends in common … unless they’re just starting out… or are so ‘paranoid’ as to hide every part of their profile.
    I am 70 years young… live in a very rural part of the mountains of Western North Carolina… and have a tremendous number of interests … and love making connections with people from all around the world who share some of those interests… as well as my own local friends who can keep up whats going on in my life and in my head.
    Facebook is a wonderful platform for doing just that… and I have made friends from almost any country in the world.
    Occasionally I de-friend someone if we get into a ‘heated discussion’ that doesn’t make me happy… as I see no point in having friends that make you unhappy.
    Other than that, I’m happy to be able to share interesting information with people … and entering into meaningful discussions… and make new friends… some of whom I expect to be visiting in person someday.
    My 28 year old son has had a ‘virtual community’ of friends for many years now… first via an IRC discussion group… which has led him to attend events where he met up with them in person in places like Ottawa, Chicago, Baltimore, etc.
    I can see having pages that support some of my interests… and maybe a couple of my websites like Rawfoodnetwork.com which appeal to a certain niche.
    I can also relate to Joel’s situation where he ‘indescriminately’ befriended people because at the time it seemed like more of a ‘numbers game’.
    I think there is a ‘happy medium’ to how to use Facebook wisely… and I’m happy to say that I believe I’ve found it. 🙂
    Jacqueline

  41. Joel…I think you are going to rediscover a LOVE of Facebook! I did this about a year ago. All kinds of people had become my “friends”; people I’d gone to high school with (and hadn’t heard from in 20 years), fans from my audiences (I’m a motivational speaker), fellow speakers I’d never met that were promoting their own businesses, and fans of my books. One day, I made a post and one of my high school “buddies” decided this was her forum for self-righteousness. She posted a public response intended to judge, shame, & embarrass me.
    At first, I was pretty hot. I debated on the benefits of leaving her statement up (freedom of speech & all) or deleting it. It took me cooling down my temper to realize the real issue. She wasn’t a friend, she was an acquaintance, and an old one at that.
    I had debated making the post that I did because I WAS worried about people’s reactions. Instead of enjoying Facebook, it had become stressful. I was censoring myself constantly. That meant that a lot of very funny (clearly irreverent) comments were being left out.
    Though it was a lot of work, I decided to delete all non-friends. It accomplished three things:
    1. It freed me up to say and post what I really want to close friends without censoring myself.
    2. It recognized that me as a person and my brand as a business, though very close, are still very separate. With the help of things like Tweetdeck, posts that everyone would enjoy (fans & friends) get posted to both.
    3. It allowed me to really enjoy Facebook again by being able to keep up with friends across the country.
    I’m rebuilding my fan page (most did not switch to my fan page, but I’m not worried about that). I’m using Facebook the way it was designed to be used. Profiles for people, pages for business.
    I’ll be on your delete list. We met at the National Speakers Association. But I know we are not friends. I’m a fan though. And if our paths cross again, I look forward to hearing how much you are enjoying Facebook to keep up with personal friends.

  43. Hey Joel, good decision. I’ve been customizing my privacy settings with each friend I add, in itself a time consuming process… And referring friend requests to my fan page if they aren’t “true friends” or family. It’s been working pretty well, but I only have about 60 friends and 938 fans — we’re talking an entirely different scale – Lol

  44. Joel,
    I think that this is a great idea. In the grand quest to be more “social” we add people to our personal lists that we don’t speak to on a normal basis. You idea will force a lot of people to re-examine how they should build their lists. Thank you for the great info.
    Samuel P. Leccima

  45. This is a topic we can all learn from. Can you give us any pointers on how to set up a fan page in addition to our regular facebook page? How does the fan page differ from our regular facebook page? i.e.: You post on it and others read it, but who can look at it, and can others comment on your posts…
    More information would be appreciated because at one time, it was my impression that we could only have one facebook page, and this sheds new light.
    Thank you for bringing this topic up in your post. I hope that the majority of your readers will be broad minded enough to see the benefits of what you are sharing. This is good stuff!

  46. After reading your post and all the comments that followed, it seems to me that the real problem is with the way Facebook names things – Friend page, Fan page.
    Using the terminology “Fan page” sets it up as rather elitist. Some people may not want to be your “fan” and LIKE you, shades of rockstar worship (OK, maybe you are)! Maybe they don’t see themselves as friends either. Therein lies the dilemma. Maybe some people see themselves as business acquaintances or something along that line. And there is no place for that category on Facebook.
    I personally find the terminology “Fan page” insulting and am reluctant to click the LIKE button because it seriously goes against my grain. I feel like I’m back in middle school voting for the most popular kid in my class. But I struggle because I want to start migrating some people from my friend list to a business list too.

  47. I forgot to mention in my last comment – if you can get Facebook to change their terminology from FAN and LIKE to something less juvenile, I’ll be your FAN for life. 🙂

  48. Joel;
    I was so laughing when I read this. I remember the first time you had started to weed out your FB page.
    Although, at first, I was thinking, OK, what is next, I have to say this ~ I LOVE THE WAY YOUR THINKING.
    Far too often famliy information should stay just that way. Those of us who have followed you for years now, totally agree and understand how you feel about this.
    Personally, I think it is a great idea.

  49. I think this “unfriending” is a definite trend. I lost a few family members who did not agree with my political or religious views. Had I a “real family” and a “real friends” page that might have been prevented.
    Good luck and I hope it turns out well 🙂

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