Why I Have Stopped Following Your Posts on Facebook
Dear Friend,
I really enjoy the doorway into your life that Facebook provides me. Even though we may not have the opportunity to speak or see each other often (if at all), I appreciate discovering what’s happening in your world. I enjoy reading your posts, seeing your photos, clicking your links when a story interests me and participating in the spontaneity that social media offers.
But there’s something I need to tell you. It’s something that is really bothering me.
I recognize that you may not care that I am bothered, and that’s okay with me. But I feel compelled to share my thoughts just the same because I’m not sure you are aware of the effect some of your posts have had on me, and perhaps others.
You may have some strong opinions surrounding the issues of the day. You may be passionate about your faith. And you may have deeply held social and political positions that are guiding forces for how you live your life.
I think it’s essential that we all stand for something. Politically, I believe it’s important to know what you want in a candidate and that you take your civic responsibility seriously. I also believe it’s important to explore your spirituality and seek to develop that part of yourself. Of course, if you have no spiritual beliefs, I respect that as well. We all are free agents and get to make decisions for ourselves.
However, one time you made a post that communicated your political, social or religious opinion in such a way that you unwittingly told me I was stupid for not agreeing with you. Oh, it wasn’t directed at me because you probably don’t know how I feel about the issue. But whether you knew it or not, you were speaking to me by lumping me in with the group you were speaking against.
I try not to get offended and I chalk it up to your right to think, feel or believe however you want. But your polarizing post did make me groan just a little bit. I let it go. Who am I to tell others how they should or should not share on social media?
But then it happened again. And then again. And yet… again.
I try to avoid TV news and mainstream newspapers. Their focus on the worst of what is happening in the world is an unnecessary distraction that can become quite depressing. I don’t shelter myself from the harsh realities of the world, but I believe that my greatest contribution comes when I surround myself with optimistic people who are making a positive difference. Frankly, I believe there is WAY more good things happening in the world than there are bad. But you wouldn’t know it from listening to, reading or watching the news.
Because of your repeated highly opinionated posts focusing on your political, religious or social stance, I have unfollowed you on Facebook.
Oh, we still have the “friend” connection. But I no longer see anything you post. Not only does that apply to the rants which label me or anyone like me as “stupid” or “idiotic”, but it also means I miss out on the stuff I enjoy seeing from you. The photos, the interesting thoughts and the meaningful events of your life that you choose to share are no longer appearing on my feed.
That’s unfortunate.
When you use social media to make blanket statements with emotionally charged opinions, surely you realize that you are going to offend a lot of people. I know you recognize that not everyone thinks or feels the way you do. But perhaps you aren’t aware that those who think different than you are all over your friends’ list.
I, too, have some very definite positions on politics, social issues and matters of spirituality. And in the past, I have probably offended others by expressing them brashly. What I discovered is that my online (and offline) rants didn’t have any positive net effect on others. They just served to alienate people.
That led to a shift in how I approached people and our differences. I would no longer use my blog or newsletter to share these opinions. And now that we have social media which allows us to reach our entire friend list with one post, it’s easier than ever to “carpet bomb” our friends, family, associates and followers with our beliefs.
But just because you CAN do something doesn’t mean you SHOULD.
After all, aren’t people the most important thing?
[tbpquotable]Aren’t the relationships in our lives all we are really left with at the end of the day?[/tbpquotable]
Certainly, I fully expect those who specialize in politics to share political messages. I’m not surprised to find someone representing a social movement to be sharing messages and news related to that movement. And if a spiritual leader isn’t talking about their spirituality in a public forum, perhaps there is something wrong.
I’m not saying there isn’t a place for discussing the critical topics of the day. There most certainly is.
But blasting an entire group of people via social media is not the same as having an open, honest and thoughtful discussion with others who are interested in having that discussion. As much as I admire the devotion of a group of people to enter into the “enemy” grounds and telling those opposed to them why they are terribly wrong to believe/support/think as they do, it’s obvious that such efforts have little effect, except to further polarize. I recently saw a video of this exact thing taking place, but I won’t actually name names because it in itself could be divisive. That would make this letter ironic!
I get it. There are times I see a story that infuriates me. It fills me with righteous indignation. And at that moment I feel like nothing is more important than for YOU to know how I feel about it!
But that’s just my emotion running away with me. It’s actually a loss of self-control and an attempt to prioritize how I feel about something above the fact that there are people I care about who see things quite differently. And I DO care about them.
So I bite my tongue, digitally speaking. And I work through my emotions with myself or with a friend or family member, rather than vent to the whole world. I’ve had countless posts that I have typed up only to hit the delete button instead of posting them. My post graveyard is packed with content that never saw the light of day because I realized a couple things.
First, it’s as I have been saying. Posting in that manner would serve to alienate others. I can’t think of a single good reason to do that.
And second, who really gives a rip what I think? It’s just my opinion. That’s all.
Now if you ASK me what I think privately, or in a setting where this kind of discussion is welcome, I’m happy to share my thoughts with you. But publicly for all to see on Facebook? There’s no point. My opinion isn’t that important. Neither is yours.
Here’s the thing, my friend. Most of us want the same thing. We just have different ways of trying to get there.
I really dislike that I have come to the place where I will no longer see your posts, but it’s a choice I have made for the good of our relationship. You see, if I continue to see you say hurtful things that I may decide that I no longer wish to be your friend at all.
However, by setting a boundary I can respect and value the relationship in spite of these hurtful things. It says “I care about you, but I won’t allow your harsh words and thoughts to attack me or the things I believe in. I will protect the relationship by choosing to not engage with your posts or allow them to stir negative emotions in me.”
As I said as I started, you may not care that I have unfollowed you. You may say “if he doesn’t agree with me than I don’t want him to follow me.” That’s totally cool with me. And you may continue doing exactly what you are doing.
But if reading this causes you to give pause to what you post on social media (and how you post it), then perhaps it was worth the read.
Again, I’ve been pretty flawed at this myself in the past. I think I’ve got a much better handle on it now. But there’s no guarantee I won’t offend someone indirectly. I just don’t want that to happen.
The beauty of free speech is we can say what we want. But others are also free to say “I choose not to listen to what you have to say.”
It’s my hope that we would each be thoughtful of what we post and cognizant of how our words may affect others who we actually care about.
In my TEDx Talk I referenced how new social media is, and that most of us have been introduced to it as adults. We didn’t have anyone to teach us how to use this thing.
The problem is that when you are a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
If we can’t figure out how to really harness the power of social media in a way that reinforces the good in our world and prioritizes relationships above ideology, how can we expect our children to do so?
Let’s be the example we want to see in them. Let’s be responsible adults treating the tools we now have at our disposal with great respect. When we choose this path, we are making a statement that says “I value people more than my need to make my opinion known.”
I hope there will be no unfollowings in my future.
Yours very sincerely,
Joel
I resonate very much with your post-Joel. As a sensitive woman, I regularly set boundaries on what I will and will absorb from my environments. With social media, a year ago I put myself in a holding pattern.
I am in a place of waiting for the clarity of the recipe for role-modeling my values of authenticity, love, value, and meaningful contributions in social media. In a sea of counter values, I have not yet found a way to maintain my boundaries and resourcefulness without having to pull away. It’s been over a year now, and I am still waiting for that clarity.
Your post and role modeling have inspired me to commit to finding a way forward. The world needs more thought leaders demonstrating inspiring, and relationship-enhancing messages like you have demonstrated here.
Thank you for all the wisdom you share. I am in total agreement with you on this one. Laughing here because I also have a sincere heart based FaceBook post with similar verbiage scheduled for later this week. Like they say..Birds of a feather!
Good post Joel. Most of us have six or more beliefs or opinions that could offend substantial portions of the population.
Hey Joel,
Thank you very much for your article. Not only is it a great read I also learned that I have room for improvement.
I thought I was good because I do not share my political or religious beliefs on social media.
BUT (with the greatest intention of helping people) I posted too much about my nutritional beliefs. In the future, I will learn how to offer my advice rather than risking to make someone feel bad about their food choices.
Thanks for sharing this. I enjoyed the thoughtful response and explanation of your actions.
Excellent points, just way too long to make them.
I totally agree.
You are not (really) my friend, and I am not really yours.
Facebook, Twitter et. al. are a waste of time when it comes to interaction. I do spend a limited amount of time on Google+ thanks to the ability to edit comments.
Just speak your piece and turn off comments…
Hi Joel,
You never accepted my friend request on FB. I follow you and enjoy your shares but it is a relationship based on you — not so much about me or ‘us’. You never unfriended me as you never chose to be friends on FB.
Patricia 🙂
Ahhhhh—–refreshing! You have precisely described why I’ve chosen to drop out of social media; specifically Facebook.
Life is too short to be irritated. I can always find someone whose posts I enjoy.
Could you have not said this with less words? Seems might want to look in the mirror. When issues involve human right and international law violation then the world does need to hear. When people share bigotry then that needs to be named.
You avoid the news???? Seriously, that is what is wrong with citizenship in this country today. Perhaps it would do you good to be offended from time to time if it means you might wake up and take an active role in your citizenship.
Ironically, I came across this article through a “your friend liked this” notice – who is constantly popping up with “your friend liked this article that insults others’ intelligence.”!
Point missed. But thanks for your input!
I agree. It’s quite irritating to be genuinely interested in someone’s opinion, follow a link and be addressed as Liberal f***tards. When someone robs a gas station and someone posts it as ‘proof of everything wrong with Islam’, they reveal their bias and their agenda. In that kind of case, I let them go on for a while, and if it’s just a constant stream of bigoted nonsense, I unfriend them.
Why I Don’t Give A Shit About Whether Or Not You Follow My Posts (this is not directed at anyone in particular, more of a response to anyone who would write an article like this)
Dear Friend,
We probably disagree about many things. I have a friends list full of people with diverse backgrounds and beliefs. I also have strong opinions that come out during the daily onslaught of stupid in the current events of the world and in my news feed. I’m probably going to say something about my opinions on Facebook.
You do not have to follow me.
It doesn’t affect how I feel about you. Your differing beliefs don’t effect how I feel about you. I re-visit my friends list often, to “weed out” those I don’t interact with, or no longer wish to have contact with. If you’re still around that means I care about you and want you in my life.
Some of my friends have unfollowed me, and that’s cool. I unfollow people too. We get to choose what we see here. Out of my 400+ Facebook friends, not everyone wants to see what I post and I don’t want to see what they post. I’m offensive sometimes, opinionated, rant-y, I cuss and insult large groups of people.
I also get positive feedback. “I wish I could say the stuff you say.” “I love your political rants.” “You post some of the most interesting stuff.” Sometimes I do pause and wonder about the things I’ve posted. Maybe I should just stick to pictures of cats and my meals? Then I remember how the political rants I’ve posted have brought me closer to some people, and have even brought new people into my life. I remember how the expression of my opinion inspired conversations I never knew I would have. The overall positive experience my subversive posts have given me trumps the few who unfollow me, and never interact with me after.
In face-to-face interactions, I normally don’t go into political rants. So if you’re really offended, and sick of my shit, then hang out with me in real life. Invite me out, come to my house, or pull up your messenger and PM me. Facebook is, in part, my venting board for the news stories I’m constantly reading. That’s pretty much where it stays. If that bothers you I totally get it, but don’t be like this guy who wrote this article, penning a passive-aggressive open letter to bitch about what others post. You can’t make everybody happy, so fuck it, be yourself.
Love,
Mel
Lol, “don’t be like this guy who wrote this article, penning a passive-aggressive open letter to bitch about what others post”. But you’re doing the same thing. I love when easily offended folks who complain about others being easily offended end up showing their true colors. I’ll make sure to show my friends so we can all have a good laugh.
It seems to me that you would like social media to be “pablum”, basically watered down to meet your wimpy style. Well, here’s a political idea for you: the world is becoming a more difficult place to live every day–it’s not getting any better. School shootings are increasing at an exponential rate and no one wants to do anything about it. People continue with a lifestyle of waste, refusing to modify their diets, and living large with the footprint of a dinosaur. But, you are correct, we get unfriended by people like you who totally miss the point and want everything to be peachy-keen like Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm. You float by on the superfluous ether of life without a care in the world. If we don’t talk about our views and beliefs then all of social media becomes about the cake we baked yesterday or when the last time was that we washed our socks. My advice to you bud is: strap on a set! I wouldn’t want you as a friend.
Wow, that’s a whole lot of anger right there! I think you missed the point, but I’m okay with that 🙂
Read this part again:
“However, one time you made a post that communicated your political, social or religious opinion in such a way that you unwittingly told me I was stupid for not agreeing with you. Oh, it wasn’t directed at me because you probably don’t know how I feel about the issue. But whether you knew it or not, you were speaking to me by lumping me in with the group you were speaking against.
I try not to get offended and I chalk it up to your right to think, feel or believe however you want. But your polarizing post did make me groan just a little bit. I let it go. Who am I to tell others how they should or should not share on social media?
But then it happened again. And then again. And yet… again.”
He wasn’t talking about unfriending over “a post”. There are people who post their viewpoints and those who rant against anyone that doesn’t think the way they do and basically call you some sort of idiot if you don’t.
That’s what Joel was talking about.
Thank you for playing though.
Mike wins a stuffed Minion doll! 🙂
Sorry you’re offended by someone else’s respectfully conveyed opinion, snowflake!
If you filter everything you say through the lens of could someone be possibly be offended or challenged by this viewpoint, you will say and share nothing of substance. If you unfollow everything and everyone that could conflict or offend you limit your own growth. You aren’t exposed to minds that differ in unique and interesting ways of thinking because they aren’t in 100% alignment with your own narrow point of view.
I understand the freedom and the point of limiting extremist content or unfollowing people spewing venom, but this should be the rare case, not something to do very often. Boundaries are good. but setting up the Great Wall of China around your social media or news content has serious consequences and only create cognitive bias.
I’ve unfollowed people for over posting. For putting out a volume of posts that completely take over my newsfeed. And I’ve unfriended people who say racist, homophobic, or sexist things and they really mean them. I unfriended someone I totally agree with politically, but every one of his posts were so mean spirited and over the top, and not in a humorous way, I couldn’t agree with the way he said them. They were always hurtful to people who disagreed.
But in general I disagree with this piece almost entirely. For me social media is the place where I get to say those politically or socially charged things that I believe and may not get to say somewhere else. I totally get that some people may be offended and may unfollow or unfriend me. Or ignore any of my charged posts. That’s fine with me. For me that’s what social media is for and that’s why I enjoy it. I’m willing to deal with, and sometimes challenge, although it’s usually not worth it, the same thing from others. I have good conservative and religious friends who regularly say things that insult my beliefs and I would never unfollow them for that reason alone. To me there are just certain things you have to tolerate if you want to be on social media at all. It will not surprise any of my friends that I feel this way about things.
That is precisely the kind of anger that happens on social media. I’d like to avoid it as well but short of unplugging, I don’t think it’s possible. Though I have strong political and religious views, I don’t get offended easily. I see it as a choice (being offended). Just recently, however, there have been some posts by one specific friend that actually took the wind out of me. I know that she knows my position and that hurt me more than the post. I have considered unfriending her but I’m torn. And while I found much of your piece on point, it was a bit too long for me. My two cents. 🙂
Joel
I admit I am rare when it comes to “feelings”. I literally don’t take offense to anything so maybe I’m broken. However I want to know the passions my friends have… I have friends posting #iamchristian and others that look like rainbows… I have police officers as friends and #FTP people as friends. I find being able to hear both sides without taking offense is a necessity in growth. Why would anyone get mad about anything someone else is saying if the other person is merely expressing an opinion? When someone says “I’m stupid” as you put it in the article I do not take offense… I simply think something a long the lines of “poor misguided soul” or “Hmm let me look into that”. I just don’t understand how people take offense. If you could explain that to me itwould be GREATLY appreciated!
This is kinda rediculous Joel I don’t expect stuff like this from you. I’ve always looked up to you as a master marketer.
You never know what to expect. 🙂
Great post Joel
So many are missing the point of the reason we have shut off the general media, as they try to copy the same tactics they use.
Disagreeing with you is not the same thing as “missing the point”.
That is correct. The two are mutually exclusive.
I find it fascinating that people are skewering you, because they say you wrote too much. When you voice a strong opinion, it is good to back it up with all of the details yhe way you did. Some days, it is hard to find the right mix. If we stop having, expressing and standing up for our opinions, then the values that are impirtant to us in this world are likely to get overrun and disappear. On the other hand, too many divisive posts drive me totally crazy. I have decided to learn as much as I can, and I joke that I am working on my “Masters Degree in Facebook.” It’s all free, I can learn from friends, friends of friends, complete strangers, and there is no tuition other than the investment of time. I just ignore what I don’t like.
Hi Joel,
Just watched the Ted video. It’s superb. Apart from polarizing, some people are keen on sharing adult content even on FB. I unfriend them immediately.
Wow, I just realize that I’m a Facebook bastard with my useless posts about my life (which are really unimpressive).
I am guilty of what you describe Joel. Not always but sometimes the emotion of the morons in the political and media world, who by-the-way do not care who they offend with their lies, just get to me. And I react. So I suspect there are many people who have “unfollowed” me. I think what gets missed is that the beauty of social media like Facebook is that we have the ability to define our approach and what role we might serve in this huge forum. It is a beautiful thing and as in real life we simply disagree as part of the human condition. It is a “roll of the dice” literally when you voice a strong opinion whether someone will get their panties in a wad. The question that a person needs to ask themselves, is what purpose social media will serve in their world. I actually enjoy the discussion among like-minded politically minded folks and in some way this acts as a counter balance to the lies of journalists and main stream media who we have no ability to edit other than to shut them off. (Which for the most part I have done). I value opinion more than news because news in 2015 is nearly all lies and propaganda. As for friends with opposing views, I have tried to discuss as adults but for the most part those “old friends” have called me names and eventually unfriended me. So friends? maybe not so much. You see my strong opinions may be just opinions but I am willing to explain them to any one who wants to be adult enough to discuss the matter. It has never worked out that way though. Those who are offended are most times just as polarized and intolerant as I may appear to be! “C’est la vie” I appreciate your observations but all i can say is, Welcome to free speech!
I would quit FB if I could store certain posts I enjoy. So far, I did not find a way. What bothers me most about FB, is the foul language some people use for lack of intelligent communication skills. Insulting others instead of challenging their views is another frustration I can do without in a world full of problems that require my attention and energy.
On the one hand you say you are offended by posts that lump you in with a group. But then you correctly point out that it’s just an opinion, and not really so important. I will not stop expressing my opinion, through my own words or others I choose to share, and if someone takes it so personally that they cannot tolerate the relationship any longer, it’s probably just as well.
It did occur to me that one reason we have seen otherwise tame people getting very mouthy on social media in regard to politics is simple. They (I) believe that our political class are intentionally destroying America and that we are reaching a point of no return. Many of us really have made a calculation that equals “if I have a friend that is this out of touch, they are part of the problem and who needs them as friends.” IE this is serious. It is fun taking pics of dinner and your cat and all of it but the United States is under attack from within. So i for one hope the day comes when the family cat regains it’s importance to “thinking” adults.
Great post. Incredible response. Yes. I too try not to get too political. But I do have a good time with my friends on the other side of reason (LOL). I have chosen to view FB once a day at night. Great stuff Joel. Thanks for the Follow on AmericanWritr.
Thanks for articulating what I’ve been thinking for so long. We all have our political and religious opinions, and how many of us could imagine changing them on the basis of one post? Never! Then why bother to do it to other people?
Thanks Joel for putting it down with what many of us are feeling online!
Great article! Mirrors much of my thinking. Personally, I have taken each social medium (and four of them only) and decided how I would use each one and for what purpose. My FB is contained to mostly family and friends, and I keep the number and friends contained. It’s been a great way to stay in touch. I approach other social media differently. So, I really don’t have any FB friends who vent and impose their opinions. We’re all pretty polite and respectful. I love them all deeply. But, I love what you wrote. Thank you. I will probably post it on FB.
There are many comments in this thread steeped full of irony and contradiction. It’s unfortunate our opinions and thoughts we share cannot elevate others to work towards some sort of goal resulting in an achievement or accomplishment. People have the choice to elevate themselves which means they may choose not to, haters gonna hate ainters gonna ain’t.
I’ve noticed three things that concern me on social media. 1.) People insult people with opposing viewpoints way too often, and 2.) people are quick to retreat into their information bubble when challenged by different points of view (usually by unfollowing or unfriending people). and 3.) people hate facts that contradict with their own worldview and will react in a hostile manner as if they were personally attacked. This leads to an environment where we cannot have a civil discourse, and therefore cannot create actual solutions to society’s problems.
I’ve never understood why people unfriend or unfollow other people over different points of view. I personally find listening to people with different points of view helps me improve my understanding, and even if I don’t agree with someone, it helps me understand why they would think what they do, and how different people react to different information and stimuli. I become a more rounded person by listening to all sides in the matter, and it helps me communicate better with all types of people. Not doing so would limit my knowledge and effectiveness.