When Social Media Becomes Too Social – The Joel Comm Show Episode #19
What do you do when someone you don’t know wants to connect with you on social media? Do you let them in the front door or do you build a relationship slowly? In this episode of The Joel Comm Show, I discuss one such instance where someone insisted on being my Facebook “friend” before he would build a relationship with me. How did I handle it?
I also discuss the impact of a book I just read and how to overcome creative blocks using social media. It’s all good stuff, so I hope you listen in!
I’ve embedded the conversation I had with Mel (who I reference in this podcast) below. Please note that I have absolutely nothing against him, and I’m sure that his heart is in the right place. This is not about embarrassing someone. Rather, it’s a lesson in social etiquette which I think we can all glean from.
What are your thoughts? Please engage with me by leaving your comments below!
Listening now, perhaps better to black out his name? He’s certainly pushing in the wrong direction, but it’s obvious he just “doesn’t get it”…
Joel,
I’m not convinced it was necessary to call the guy out (at least not by name). I do understand the point you’re trying to make here, but publicly embarrassing another human being (whom you admittedly do not know or care to know) doesn’t convey the professionalism expected of someone of your status.
No one expects you to befriend every person who asks. Undoubtedly, having attained “guru” status quite some time ago, you deal with this sort of thing every day. I’ve been guilty of boundary-crossing (although without the pleading follow-up messages), and have been dismissed by people who considered themselves too busy/important to communicate with a plinth like me. Fortunately, though, none of them have ever taken the matter public.
I have unfollowed you on Facebook and unsubscribed from your email lists. While you certainly won’t lose any sleep over my departure, it is only fair to you to let you know that, at least for one follower, your actions have crossed the line.
Warm Regards,
Lee
Can’t please everyone, and I’m certainly not going to start trying now.
True, you can’t please everyone and that is a well known fact of life. But, for the path that you’ve proclaimed to take, one of Christianity, I think his message was indicative of the hidden intent he saw in your post. You can certainly be a well respected marketer and a Christian at the same time, provided ego and pride doesn’t come before compassion and love. A respectful decline doesn’t cost as much as a public shaming. Your heart is in the right place, your mind just took over on this one. Keep the faith Joel! The only thing an apology does damage too is our own ego – otherwise it’s just perception. 😉
I watched your thread on this on Facebook, Joel. There is “code” for people who are trying too hard, at least there is in 2013. When someone says, “like-minded” my defenses go up immediately. To me, “like-minded” means they either don’t know what they’re doing, but are in love with the new world they discovered in self-development. That’s a great person, but from a business and personal boundary point of view, not someone I can give a lot of time to.
OR…
Someone who was told “like-minded” means they see you as a prospect, either for being a customer or maneuvering into your circle of influence with a hidden agenda.
I’m thinking this gentleman might be a bit of a hybrid. 🙂
I don’t think there’s a simple answer, since it totally depends on one’s purpose for using Facebook.
If a random person sends me a friend request, I typically ignore it. However, if the person in some way shows an interest in watches, I will accept. The reason is that my main focus on Facebook at present is to share images and news about — you guessed it — watches!
My daughter, on the other hand, want to communicate with relatives and current or former schoolmates. Therefore, it’s never appropriate for her to accept a request from anybody she doesn’t know.
Hi Joel,
I am on the other end of this topic and discussion. I attempted to contact Kenneth Reno via Facebook because he cheated me of my money and did not delivered my solo ads. I have solid proof and I wanted him to “Man up” on Facebook. He not only did not do so, he even blocked me from being on his friend’s list. This must be terrible. Is there anywhere to get the FTC to get to him?
Beyond the fact that you are both trying to get something, you Joel, with driving traffic based on the question, and he, an attempt at getting who knows what from you. I’d say you’re right in line with whatever your objectives are. If you’re aware of your precious time (not being sarcastic here) and you know the potential of having it wasted because of the simple fact that you put yourself out there publicly, then this is simply what it seems like. A situation where you take a risk or you don’t. Given that you’ve made this public, I would assume you used it for the opportunity that you saw it was. I’ll be interested to see what comes of it.
Thanks Joel, very honorable that you blanked out his last name on the picture – given that it wasn’t originally like that. My faith in your intentions is being restored. 🙂
With facebook, I’m very careful. I know – in real life – almost every single connection. I feel like it’s my more private place . I share so much and am very transparent in all other areas of social media but in those few things I want to keep close but still want to share, I post them in facebook.
I have tired of trying to keep people on different “lists” and adjusting posts to let this list see it, and not that list so I can imagine what you consistently go through. I don’t have an answer, but I have gone back and forth between allowing friend reqs from people in my “niche” I don’t really know, to requiring myself to know them a little more. I’d say a good balance is always good. but if you have to have an excel spreadsheet to determine how to set your custom post audience, maybe it’s time to rethink your strategy.
People like Mel don’t see or understand the big picture when it comes to social media. They view things through blinders not realizing that it’s impossible for you to manage and interact with anyone and everyone who “thinks” that they connect and match up in a way that justifies a new and ongoing relationship. I have a small following compared to you Joel and I find it hard to interact with everyone on a one on one basis and when it comes to facebook, I don’t accept friend requests from just anyone because I just don’t have time to scroll through every ones posts about things that I’m really not interested in or expected to be interested in. Therefore, I think you handled it perfectly, just like I would have done! Hey, I guess that means we, you and I are “like minded” and you and your family should come over for Christmas dinner…lol!
Best, HVACDAVIDSCHAIBLE
Hi Joel. I’m a bit too introverted regarding social media I think. I mainly use only Twitter, though occasionally use my Facebook account 😉
As for my Twitter followers? I always check the profiles and I’m really selective about my follow-backs. I don’t get into discussions as to why I reject friend/follow requests as most so-called #followers are only playing the numbers game anyway and it would be a waste of time responding.
Not too sure this is what you expected to hear but it’s just the way it is 🙂
I do appreciate the interaction you’ve offered over the years though Joel – looking forward to many more years to come – Pete.
I use Facebook just as you do Joel. If I don’t know you, haven’t seen you in person or shaken your hand, I will not accept a friend request. If someone wants to connect with me professionally I point them to my LinkedIn profile.
I do participate in a number of WordPress, photography, and IM groups on FB. And every Friend request from those groups gets politely denied.
Hi Joel,
I appreciate how you tried to deal with the situation at first. My thoughts, though would be not to respond instead of saying that he doesn’t respect boundaries. I would say my say in a very sweet way (rhymes:)) and then a full stop.period.
If he is the kind of person that will get the message and retry differently according to my way, then in time things will tune in. If he is the kind of person who simply doesn’t get it and wants to impose his way, well then, silence was the best measure taken.
Hope you do and stay great:)
I was going to leave a note about not sharing his name, and see that others have echoed that sentiment. He made a mistake, but probably isn’t harmful in any way, so this may be inappropriate.
Perhaps. My intent was NOT to embarrass him. If he hadn’t blocked me, I would have replied again and attempted to share my thoughts. But since he terminated the conversation, he not only stonewalled me from replying, but he essentially demonstrated that he wasn’t sincerely interested in having a conversation in the first place. This is a great case-study, in my humble opinion.
I’m all for tearing ‘important’ people a new one who abuse their high social status, but it’s clear that you were actually quite polite in the way you handled this.
I used to be like Mel. I used to be clueless on how to actually connect with people. Like one of the above comments says, “he just doesn’t get it”. It’s not an insult, but just an observation of mis-calibrated social dynamics.
If I were Mel and came back to this post years later after realizing that my approach was ‘off’, I would smile, laugh at myself, and post a comment admitting my approach could have been ‘tweaked’ 🙂
Got to learn to be cool and care free guys.
Hey Joel
I think you talked to him too much. He could have joined your fan-page, and if you connected with him as a friend, you could add him to your personal page.
Cyber stalking is still stalking. In my opinion.
Hi Joel,
My opinion is that there has been too much time wasted on this topic. Common sense isn’t so common. Let’s go old school. You see/meet someone in person and YOU see value in taking it further. You again meet, in person, and you get no acknowlegdement from your new “friend”. It would probably end right there.
With social media people believe we can all be “friends” and, to me, that isn’t realistic.
My advice is if you’ve reached out to someone, you really want to meet online, and they don’t respond – move on. If you connecting with them is so important, find out if they have a blog or fan page and engage with them that way. Give them a reason to want to connect with you.
With that being said, I have made my share of online connecting faux pas because it is so easy to just click a button. I even blundered when I first reached out to you.
On a final note, let’s address the elephant in the room. 99.9% of the reason you are reaching out to someone is because you want to “sell” something. So with that in mind – be honest up front with your intentions.
It might just work and you might make a long time “friend”.
Mike Sheehan
OK, well, this guy’s got it completely bassackwards. You gave him the instructions on how to become your friend from being a complete unknown. He doesn’t want to do it that way. Not very like minded. Like minded people usually come to quick agreements in my corner of the Universe. God bless him.
I’m not sure frying this guy on your blog is the best of ideas, but this your show and you get to do your thing. Plus, I’m entertained that you would broach the subject that my mother and I argued over just last week. I’m sending her the link.
btw, I just sent you a friend request.
Since there never was an intent to humiliate Mel, I have blacked out his last name. I just find stories are more real when there is a name associated with them.
Because of things like that, I prefer Google+. You can choose your circles and you can take care your privacity.
Now, I’m going to send you a friend request on Facebook. (Just kidding!)
Life is too short to be fretting about who is/is not a “real” friend or likely to become so. As a speaker, author and proprietor of a subscription website,I accept all friend requests. What are people so fearful about? I’m glad if people want to listen to what I have to say, but I would never say anything online that I wouldn’t want repeated or published; social media sites are not good places to post private information. And who knows? Maybe the stranger who wants to be a friend will wind up buying my book, or a membership on my site. S/he might even wind up becoming a real friend.
I think this comes from riding two horses at once. If someone wants to remain a private person, they keep all their online activity private but if a name is being projected as a type of online brand then there needs to be some give and take. Surely it’s just comes with the territory. If someone is a well known sports star or showbiz personality and chooses to cash in on it by cashing in on endorsing projects, constantly appearing in the media to project themselves etc they can’t complain if the public wants more of them and they can’t control things any longer. By contrast, those who keep a low profile apart from performing at what they’re good at are certainly entitled to keeping their privacy. Likewise, those who promote themselves online shouldn’t complain when those they promote themselves to, want a little bit more.
In my case I nearly always accept connection requests unless they clearly are from a spammer, a fake account or unwanted solicitous requests to meet away from that forum or platform, we’ve all had them, usually starting Hello Dear or some other banal greeting. Other than that, I accept the requests because I’ve made the decision to promote and sell my products and services and those of other people online and just accept it goes with the territory.
You can try to have a half-way house but it strikes me a bit as having your cake and eating it.
Anyway, I trust my message finds you well. Maybe one day my long standing friend request might be answered 🙂
I’ve had that exact conversation about 1000 times.. and then I figured it out.
I want to network with the Mel’s. I just hate their approach.
I can’t say I always do this. But often now, I look at whether I think it’s a quality person who just doesn’t know and then engage them where they are at.
No great technique to it. Sometimes I ingone the email/PM and engage them on Linkenin or Twitter.. sometimes I accept them as a friend and weed them out later.
Not everyone.. but I’ve learned that the exchange I have with “Mel” is my own fault. Mel tried to reach me, with no pitch, just an offer to connect and if I just say “no, here’s my policy” it’s hard not to look like a jerk.
A very simple solution is to just connect where appropriate.
I’ve made several great friends this way
Some great points, Warren
I started out on Twitter (@bebizzy) accepting anyone and everyone, and continued that practice until Twitter accused me of automating the follower process and suspended my account for three weeks. Once I convinced them I clicked on each and every person I followed, they turned me back on, but now I’m gunshy and follow selective engagers, and my follower count has started to drop significantly.
As far as Facebook, I have a personal relationship with 90% of my “friends.” And same with LinkedIn, I have worked with or done business with 90% of those I follow there.
I’m not sure why people think that networking online is any different than in person. If someone walked up to me at a meeting and insisted that I connect with them or do business with them immediately without building any kind of relationship, I would run the other way.
In addition to that, I would probably warn my friends about this person, because when this happens it just feels like there is an ulterior motive.
Too many people are trying to “get married before the first date” and it ends badly because the boundaries are overstepped. As a woman, you should see some of the creepy requests I get.
If you truly want to connect with another person, use the first rule of networking – give of yourself first.
Personally, I think you are a bit of a riot Joel. We all get to enjoy the luxuries that the internet and social media provides but there is no rule that says that you have to connect with every single person there is. Great read!
Hi Joel,
As a long time follower of yours and a marketer myself – I am of the same mindset as you. I don’t accept friend requests on facebook unless I actually know then and we are established friends (face to face not just virtual). I do however accept friend requests on linked in where it is more a networking opportunity for both involved. We all use social media differently and the boundaries we establish are what works for us. I think you responded well and stated your point but the continued begging to be your friend after you stated your position was not only inappropriate it was a bit creepy. People who cannot accept “no” as an answer really aren’t the kind of people you want as a friend anyway (they will typically drain you dry instead of filling you up). Sometimes the right answer is “no thank you”. Thanks for sharing with your followers.
Joel,
He’s wrong. You’re not like-minded.
I did have the pleasure of meeting you and even being your friend on Facebook – when I had a Facebook page.
You respect boundaries. He does not.
You’re not like-minded.
All the best,
Mauricio
Joel, I totally agree with everything you’ve done. I’ve had friends of friends ask to befriend me and on a rare occasion I’ve accepted, but that is not the norm. My personal FB page is for people I have already established a relationship with in one way or another. I’d love to establish relationships with others, but not by adding them to the page first.
I don’t understand anyone who pushes to hard to befriend a stranger, no matter the circumstances.
First of all he sounded okay, then began to come across as rather needy. Then when you gave him the opening to join your fan page where he could engage you and “get to know you” there, he began to sound a tiny bit into his ego when he said he wasn’t into being “a fan or follower of people who I’m not able to get to know and build a genuine and real friendship with.”
You had already made clear what your boundaries are and how you decide who to friend or not. Obviously he knows who you are so he should know a lot about you from your blogs, etc.
If he had said he understood and would join your fan page;”So look for me and let’s start a discussion there and get to know each other, then when you feel more comfortable you will reconsider my friend request,” he would have sounded more reasonable.
I feel you did the right thing and apparently his idea of the two of you being of the same mind-set may be a bit off base.
🙂
Joel,
Thank you!
It’s not easy to call people out on stuff like this.
I personally ignore friends request from people I don’t know.
Try walking up to some random person and ask them to be friends without any interaction of any other kind, see how far you get. It’s the same online.
Hi Joel,
Thanks for sharing this! It is often a question I have wrestled with as well. I’ve drawn my line in the sand similar to where you have for Facebook. For the most part, I have to know them and have a previous relationship with them prior to accepting a friendship request. The only few exceptions I have made is where a friend suggested that I friend another of their friends.
The interaction you shared with Mel is a bit scary actually. Kind of like a warm, caring initial interaction with a serial stalker.
Overall this makes me VERY happy that I’ve limited my Facebook friends to those I already know.
Cheers!
Hi Joel,
I’ve seen you a few times in person, shook your hand, got a picture, think you are a great person, we are connected on linkedIn and you DID unfriend me on facebook. I didn’t take it personally as I did not buy you a beer or coffee in LA and we aren’t as good of friends as most of my fb friends. All good. Blog On…
John
Well, I believe he was fully aware of his actions. THen he realized he couldn’t manipulate the situation any further so he had to flee.
Way to resist Joel.
I was going to try to be funny and offer to post a comment if you’d friend me. But, then I decided the humor really wasn’t there:)
As it is, I feel basically the same way about personal FB accounts. I have no idea why some people assume they are “entitled” to contact anyone and everyone, and that anyone they contact is somehow “required” to reciprocate.
Twitter seems to be different somehow. But, then again, most of Twitter is gibberish anyway.
He definitely has an agenda with you (only he knows) but personally, I don’t let people I don’t know in. Experience has taught me that I have regretted such “friends” more often than not.
You don’t have to be a Friend to dialogue. Dialogue and interaction come first, then perhaps Friendship may follow, when earned.
I dunno. I’m no guru, so I add just about anybody who wants to be a friend, follower, whatever, unless it’s obvious that it’s for spamming purposes. If they later disappear because I post a controversial position, and they prefer an echo chamber, so be it. “I yam what I yam.” I have email and phone for real life friends and relatives, so I don’t need to try to make people jump through hoops on the social media. I rarely send connection requests to those I do not know, although I might occasionally make an exception for those who are in the same foraging/wild mushroom circles as I, and we have many mutual connections.
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Interesting post and responses – I tend to agree with how you handled this person. I get a number of requests from people I don’t know, and for the most part, I ignore them. However, I have also “met” some interesting people via Facebook and other social sites, so here is my rule of thumb: If you want to meet me via social media, then introduce yourself and let me know who you are and why you want to be friends when we haven’t ever met. I may message someone a couple of times before accepting a friend request, otherwise I will ask them to like my page so they can follow me there as you did. As for some of the interesting people I’ve “met” virtually on Facebook, I have ended up meeting a few of them in person and hope to meet others in the future! (And I don’t feel any loss for those who just blindly friend request me and I just blindly ignore them).
My opinion is you have a right to “friend” whomever you feel comfortable allowing in your circle. And you have a right to say, no. This person obviously had an agenda and attempted to muscle his way into your life regardless of your discomfort with the situation by using key words. That in and of itself is a red flag.
I have a hard time with pushy individuals who don’t understand the word no. I believe you handled the situation in a gentlemanly manner and hopefully, Mel will have gleaned a valuable lesson from this, although a part of me seriously doubts it.
This post reminds of me the song, Limelight, by Rush.
Etiquette is always an interesting topic as it plays such a huge role in all of our human interactions. In face to face interactions we are judged by the strength of our handshake, the way we speak, and whether or not we think it appropriate to eat a steak dinner with our bare hands. In the wide, wide world of social media however, all bets are off when it comes to a standard of acceptable conduct.
I think most successful business owners are aware of and sensitive to the subtitles of good vs. bad etiquette but for everyone else, the interwebs have made it so easy to be a nameless/faceless jackass. Even on facebook where there is a name and a profile pic, it is still all too tempting to say things that one would never say if the other person were actually in the room.
There are people who genuinely mean well but may, from time to time, unwittingly commit a social faux pas. The difference between those people and the guy who is the subject of this post is that a sensitive, thinking person is keen enough to read the signs and realize that they may have overstepped a boundary whereas the fellow in this post responds to your initial “back off” signal by pushing even harder. Generally speaking, making the subject of your adoration uncomfortable is exactly the opposite of how to win friends and influence people.
hi joel!
I love this! Well done. My take here: Brands embrace social media for social good!
One of the best things I did when I “switched niches” was to use a pseudonym. Now my real FB account is for relatives and *close* friends only and I don’t really have acquaintances asking to be friends. If I ever go back to the IM niche I’ll probably pick a different pseudonym there, too. I’d rather “start from scratch” than mix my personal and business lives.
My old Twitter account became unwieldily because I followed everyone who followed me. What idiocy! Now I follow people in whom I’m interested and not just because they’re interested in me.
Mel’s messages sounded to me like his next line was going to be, “…you show it to 7 people, and then they show it to 7 people…”
I can definitely relate to your friend request story. A few years my immediate boss (at my new job at the time) sent me a friend request on Facebook. After thinking about this long and hard, I saw him face to face the next day and told him that one of my Facebook rules was not to have anyone at work in my personal FB and I hoped he would understand. I went on to say that we could connect on LinkedIn, Google+ or Twitter. We are now connected on LinkedIn.
I picture these messages being typed on screen during the opening credits of the next Wes Craven movie….